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caprice26
Mar. 15th, 2007
05:05 pm - Booty-booty-booty!!!!!!!!
Lately, I've had a great supply of eligible bachelors. They are just jumping out of the woods screaming "Take us on a test drive."
Oh, but my dear friends. I only need two men in my life...and I got 'em. And to tell you the truth....yeah...you thrill me not. Nothing about you is appealing to me, not your height, not your job, not even your kind heart and sparkling personality. I, my friends, only want something that has absolutely no possibility of going anywhere.
No, no, no, don't take it personally.....OK, please do. OK, it is you....and me too...but I'm happy like this. And it doesn't mean that there's no one out there for you, just not me. You can smell it, can't ya? The lack of my desire is all too obvious.
Well, so long, dear friends. You may watch me....as I gracefully float away....towards something that is just isn't. Ta-ta!!!
Mar. 11th, 2007
11:27 am - Bull's eye
My option makes me want to puke. Not sure why, like I said, there's nothing outwardly unduck about it. But, MOFU....
I thought maybe stopping by would be fun, instead it turned into a 2.5 hour ordeal which left me bored, frustrated, disgusted, and confused. True, noone would like to hear this said to them, but would you please pry your lips away from my a$$--you might have too much suction there.
-You wanna come up?
-Hell NO, mother f*cker!!! What did you think I had a good time or something?
Seriously, this could have been interesting. Gay/heterosexual has nothing to do with it, I actually seriously considered this for a minute. But now....maybe it's me, and maybe it's you, and maybe I am (according to you) putting up all these walls. But maybe (oh, what a concept) I just don't f*ckin like you!!!!!!!!!!
Mar. 2nd, 2007
09:17 pm - I drove
to his house and thought about past disappointments. I remembered what it's like to believe in you...in us, to be sure that we'd make it, that you were my fate, my future, my predestined destiny.
In my mind I change my route and go far past my true location, I turn off the highway exit and find streets glistening with spring deluge. That traffic light's red when I pull up, I have to wait for it to give the go ahead. China buffet is open across the street...it's always open...then right, then left, then left and right again, then the oak tree in front of familiar drive way. I park, I wait as I breath in apprehension.
I no longer know what it's like to see you, or to touch you, or to feel what you feel like...but (somehow) the vibrations from your baritone still resonate in my sub conscience. Memories fade fast....too fast for me to hold on to. Oh, maybe it's time, it's time....
I know your phone number-I do not call. I know your address-I do not visit. I talk to you, yet you're too far to hear it. But I tell you everything; after all these years I still feel like you're the only one that gets me...that (sometimes) you're my only friend.
You don't care to know, but in the past year....I really missed you....and this year...I do still. As I drove to his house, I thought about the marriage cliche that I heard all too often...and realized that I'm living without someone I can't live without.
Feb. 22nd, 2007
10:57 pm - what makes you laugh
I was in Atlanta and you were in my head. Sitting at the Crown Room, I found you invading my imagination. We barely met then but once.
Am I small-minded? You haven't asked, why am I worried?
I'm worried, I always think. I mean, I am a girl. Why can't I just let it be? Let's just see where "it" goes? But it never goes quite where it's supposed to.
I read your autobiography and let myself wander in make belief. What if? What if?
If you took one step to the left, if you slept in that day, you'd be so far away and we'd never have met. We'd never have met. But I've met so many people and you're just one of the masses. Does that mean anything? Can it mean everything?
And I am infatuated with you already....and I want to ask you questions....and know what triggers your emotions....and what makes you laugh. I don't think you're all that funny. Oh, but I like your company, and I like your name, and I like it when it appears on my caller ID.
But I have been so wrong so very often. And I'm so f*cking tired of condescending advice. As I tip toe around reality, I still wonder.
Feb. 21st, 2007
10:12 pm - Sound of the fall
I see it working out both ways (one way-together, another-apart) both plausible, both likable, both up for discussion.
It's just for now, till I get to the next step. But this step is taking awhile, maybe this is it, maybe this is life, now is life. Perhaps, there is no tomorrow, as in tomorrow is this.
Don't you see?
Feb. 15th, 2007
08:09 pm - Say anything
We had smashed potatoes for dinner, I fried a crab cake, and he broiled himself some fish sticks. I sat and watched My Name Is Earl. He worked on some documents at the desk. We ate at the same time but not together.
Say to me...anything...but how boring work was. Anything...just say anything.
Feb. 13th, 2007
12:36 pm - forms
I experienced it a couple years ago, when simple piece of paper made the world go black around me and I had to hold on in order not to pass out. Twice I felt pure rage with homicidal thought. And once, the very first time, it was sheer devastation.
Rage subsides, I know that. Progressive darkness has not made a repeat appearance, not even today. And devastation lessened to the point of sadness...and sadness remained in its quiet, juvenile form while throwing an occasional fit.....of teenage rage....with blurriness of vision.
Feb. 4th, 2007
10:28 am - Keeping the faith
I’m not sure where I got such an unromantic notion of the romantic love. Perhaps I lost faith in it completely somewhere along the way toward my 27th birthday. At this point, it’s not even clear to me what is real, what lasts, and what takes on a magical transformation into numbing, bitter hatred.
My friends who have sworn to have this distinct, definitive feeling about the one they have (at one point) managed to marry are getting divorced left and right. To date, I’ve known of two happy couples…I’ve known, but I don’t know them very well. It’s just an image that they present and I perceive….it’s just an image.
Well, let me tell you my theory on this matter—you don’t know, you never know, you’ll live with ‘em for 14 years and you wont know unless they let you in, unless you’re ready to be let in. It’s not all about the paper, it’s not about location, but it is about the compromise. It’s about realizing what makes someone happy and caring enough about that person to do it.
I’ve had some revelations lately that taught me to appreciate certain qualities and to try to fix shortcomings of my own personality. And, in a way, I’m glad all this $hit happened. I guess it was a very much needed slap in a face since I simply didn’t get it the first time.
Jan. 23rd, 2007
10:30 pm - We all have secrets
I bought a new one, it's made of brown leather and it's a lot smaller than the one kidnapped. In no way am I trying to diminish what the old diary and I had, but it's good to have a fresh start for a change.
Fresh start it is not with past problems. I hear through the grape vine who said what about me and when. No, I care not; I do (in a way) enjoy the drama....and knowing the location of potential perpetrator is reassuring. He is gone until tomorrow and in a week he'll be a memory for good.
I am no longer crazy-mad; that could be the endorphins from the gym I just attended--my goal is to build up mean deltoids. The getting over process is well on its way; the good and the bad shine brightly on canvas of 2006. I hate him not; I want him dead not. He can exist is sunny Pensacola as long as he misses me until he cannot breath and my successors are white-trash-Walmart-shoppers.
Jan. 15th, 2007
05:45 pm - Epiphany
Good sex heals a broken heart, bad dreams, and indigestion.
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